nine

An update since last week. I don't know sometimes I feel like I just have nothing to say. Thats why I have not written. Its not like I have to explain it to you anyways though. Ive got some cleaning done this week, been playing my guitar and hanging out with my best friend Tyler a lot more often. Summer has fatly approached and now I have started schooling for summer, I'm still trying to finish up the remaining things I have left at Insight. My car is still broken, or will it ever be fixed? I cant wait to go swimming. I have 10 acres in the middle of the  country and the thing to do to cool off and keep busy is go swimming in my pool. I have so many plans for this summer! I have a list actually that I would like to get done. I don't like my life to be boring i'm just sort of one of those people who will do anything to be happy and have fun and make other people feel the same way so. A list of things I wanna do: I want to go to the drive-in movie theater, go bowling, to the arcade, go to the lake, go camping, go to the art museum, science city, worlds of fun (amusment park), sliterbombs (water park), the legends, go ice skating. Thats only a few of the things and I hope to get it all done this summer. anyways, I have to go get ready! hanging out with friend tonight. Ill update within the next week (:

8

So.. I guess that school will not be over for me this summer. I currently attend an online school and the last day is June 1st so I will be completed with my sophomore year. This summer will be a very busy summer filled with family, friends, work, and school. Yes school! I will be taking two classes this summer so I can gain 2 credits with a school called National high school. Its not a public school which means we have to pay for it. I mean we as in my parents and I. Which means I will be taking on a job too! sounds fun? right.. So your probably wondering what I'm doing this all for? Or I must be crazy. I want to graduate a year early. That does not mean I'm going to be completing my whole junior year this summer. next year when I start school back up with the same school i'm going to right now Insight school of KS I will be taking extra classes which will allow me to graduate with other students next June (: a year away pretty much. So a lot will be happening in the next year and I'm sure I will have some bumps in the road but I'll learn how to get past them. I'm excited though. My plans are to go out to North Carolina to live after I graduate. I realize that is going to be a difficult task to do but I'm going to do everything in my power to do it. I will be out there some day. So its good to keep numbers, dates in my head, ect. I got to stay on top of things. So this summer I should be taking 2 classes probably English III and world or US history.  Working, Studying for SAT's next year. I will only be taking them once :o. In the fall I should be getting senior pictures (: Then the actual SAT's, State assessments, ect. Then finally the moment Ive been waiting for for 12 years. Graduation :D. I will probably work that summer and I'll be 18 in august, by then I hope to have enough money to go to NC. then I will follow a year there and go to college at UNCC or a surrounding community college. wish me luck!

day seven

Okay sorry I have not posted for the past few days, It has not let me log onto this.
I feel sooo Inspired after a few days of not getting everything else out. I was going through Sarah Mclachlans music and facebook page. Her music is so inspirational. You should listen to it!

Today. The subject is. Forgiveness
Its such a big word, a word that some of us can not come into reason with in our lives. Some of us hold grudges our whole life. We are hurt, somebody hurts you in your lifetime. very badly. I have been hurt so much by people my whole life. I just try to get through it the best I can.  you just have to forgive. You can hold a grudge you whole life. you have to be able to forgive and move on. that does not mean you go back to the same ways, same thing that happens. its meaning your saying its okay, im going to move on. How are you going to live life if your not truly happy? think about all the stuff that is holding you back? should it be holding you back? are you stronger then that. I know its hard to be strong sometimes in the world that is fighting so much to bring you down. In forgiveness you have to be able to forgive yourself to forgive others. I forgive all the friends I had that gave up on me, who turned there back on me. I forgive myself for not being perfect, not always being the nicest person to people, for thinking i'm nothing, that different is a bad thing. I forgive the people who have given up on me. My mother for not always listening to me, for not always being there for me. My father for not caring, not showing he does, not being in my life because he cant forgive himself for all the hurt he has done himself. I forgive myself for thinking that this all should be perfect. nothing is perfect. we need to forgive and move on. stronger.

sixth day.

Today. was a better day. I got a few things done today such as, getting my messy room cleaned.. I know I can be lazy sometimes and clothes just pile up till it almost looks like I have little mountains in my room. Not good.. I know. Played the guitar for hours. I can't describe my love for music, Its just there, its wonderful (: I play the guitar and piano. My parents bought me a guitar back in my eight grade year when I had first started taking guitar lessons. Its a ephiphone electric/acoustic
I played that for hours today. I also sing if I did not mention that, yes. I was in choir for 4 years. I plan on making a music video soon actually. The song Hallelujah by Kate Vogelle. First off I need to get the song down though, don't you think. Once I do I'd be happy to share it with the world.
I want to learn how to play the drums, I think it would actually be very cool. but I also want to further my knowledge in playing guitar. Anyways how is everybody out there doing? It'd be awesome to talk sometime.

Five.

Today was just one of those days that sucked! It felt like it dragged on forever.. I know we all have those days. I'm just so tired. Where are my friends when I need them most? I feel like everybody is just ignoring me today. It sucks. Just about every single one of my friends. I want to start over so bad sometimes. I can only remind myself though, that the past has made me who I am today. My past.. Hurts a lot. I only have myself really to blame for putting myself in some situations and letting people hurt me right? I don't know. I have a big problem with trusting people. It seems whenever I start to trust somebody they turn around and do something so bad to lose my trust.. Why.. can't people just be honest? is it so hard.. Whats so hard about that? I really just don't understand people a lot. Or maybe I am just so different. I just feel like I don't belong sometimes.. I just feel like giving up :'(

Its hard to be stronger, I just have to keep trying.. keep trying, I know..

day four

Whats on my mind tonight? Summer. I live in Kansas and it sure felt like summer today. I really dread the hot weather. Also on that note though, Summer is wonderful as in.. first off. NO SCHOOL! ok.. thats like the coolest thing about summer. Hanging out with friends, the friends that I do have. Summer loves, staying up late, the partying. ect. The heat.. for me is just unbearable. I actually have a pool in my backyard, its nice living out in the country, 10 acres. nothing to do! No.. I'm not a country girl. I love shopping, girly things, ect. I cant wait to swim though! I want to visit the lake, Wish I could visit the ocean.. but I will next year when I am 18! :) I love camping in the summer, who is with me? 4th of July :D.. then my birthday will roll around at the end of summer.. August 4th. I will be 17.. eh nothing really exciting about 17.. nothing really exciting about 18 too except your own freedom.. its sad how we get older. I wish I could still run through the sprinklers, spin around in circle, ect. Like nothing was important then.. Is anybody else scarred about getting older? like in my situation?.. we should talk sometime.. I love talking to people who I can relate too.

Anyways.. today was mothers day. where would we be without mothers, seriously? I love my mom to death and she has always been here for me. We have had our differences of course, I have sometimes felt really left out because I am the littlest of 5.. it sucks, like I feel like I have no time with my mother sometimes. anyways, whatever. Hope everybody had a good mothers day :)

day three

Today, Today was. Amazing. You can clearly see I'm happy right now. I know I'm really sorta just talking to myself at this point but, whatever. You know how awesome it is to get out of the house every now and then? especially when your stuck at home on the computer all day doing school? yes, I know your thinking. wow. I actually had a lot of fun.

Friendship.

Its a big word to me, A word that means a lot. I've had many people come into my life saying that they were my friend and would always be there for me. All those people turned there back on me at one point or another. I cant say every single one of them it was all there fault.. because we all make mistakes. but honestly.. I try to be the nicest, sweetest girl to people. It hurts, cuz i've had so many people come into my life that I thought would be there for me. They have all pretty much played me. What do people think a friend is now days? like. I just want somebody I can talk to, and understand me, be there. you know? isint that what its supposed to be like?..

Today. I got to visit my friend Tyler, a boy. We started being friends last year during my ninth grade year. He has always really been here for me. we have sorta had a rocky friendship during the summer because of certain reasons. but we sorta just like.. I don't know how to explain it. we can talk for hours and I really like that, cuz I haven't been able to do that with other friends. I'm glad I have somebody like that. :)

day two.

Fear.

Its such a big word I might say.
Theres so many things a person can fear.
I'm not one of those people who are constantly worried and scarred you know. but we all have are moments.
You know whats scary? To think about the future. To think about all the endless things that could happen. I'm only 16, but yeah.. I worry about it a lot! I plan a lot. I get mad when things don't go according to plan too. No does not mean I don't like to be spontaneous.. because trust me. I do.
You cant know what the future is going to be like.. you can only know whats in this moment, that will make the future different.
What I think of a perfect future? of course every girl dreams about her life.. her marriage, kids, ect. and don't think i'm any different from that right there. except I know nothing is perfect and I don't go into such detail.. I just know what I would like.:I would like to get married to somebody who understands me and loves me for all that I am. I want kids.. but not for a long time. talk about fear. there you go. I want to travel, I love to travel. I love to be outdoors. I want to be able to enjoy life, I want to be able to move to North Carolina.. Its so pretty out there. Like. Unbelievable. and I want to live till I'm old with my love.
Is that to much to want? I mean every girl can dream. I fear that its not going to happen.
I worry all the time for some reason about my own life ending suddenly.. before I have the chance to live it. Is anybody else the same way? or losing somebody close like family, friends. ect.
fear is always here, and it does not go away

Fear

May 5th (day one)

As you can clearly see by the title today is May 5th.

Let me explain a little about me... 

I attend an online school, yes they do have that for high school. I was fed up with all the drama at my old school and just sorta wanted to break away. Its made me stronger and happier now.. 

It seems that you can never clearly get away from drama and people who create it I have learned now. 

I was never the popular girl, or the loser. I just simply.. did not fit in. and thats okay now, I'm glad with who I am because I know I'm a good person. 

I think my past experiences in life have led me to be the person to who I am now. My parents getting divorced was a big impact on my life. My father was not the best man and my mother did what she had to do for all of us to be happy, I don't remember it much because I was so little. It hurts whenever I hear them talking about it though because I can just feel how much they were hurt.

It was a long process, my parents getting divorced, and I was put through what a child should not be. My parents decided to get divorced in my first grade year and did not finish papers until fourth grade. By my fourth grade year my dad had a girlfriend and my mom was engaged to a wonderful man who is now my step dad. 

We grew together as a family and started a new life in Kansas where my step dad lived. I started school here which started out okay, but by my ninth grade year I dreaded going to school. Mainly because of certain people. I begged my mom to get me out, Id come home a lot of days and just cry. It hurt. It hurts to be back stabbed, or lied to, or bullied, all of it hurts. why do people do it I wonder, to feel better about themselves? I know I could never do that to anybody..

anyways, I moved on you see now. Ive made new friends, new school. 

Stronger <3